Sunday, September 13, 2009

maybe it's the hangover talking but i'm feeling a bit sincere

a jonny and i talking on a sunday morning and i, as always, remember something small.

i remember being 17 and summertime and preparing to leave california and the pacific and a jonny forever and the sadness of that and the anticipation for that. i remember walking into a bookstore and he says to me, he says:

"if you ever give me a gift, make sure it's not a v-neck or clogs."

my thoughts, in this order:
why would i ever give you a gift? i'm leaving this forever.
clogs? what?

i remind a jonny of this bizarre and terribly amusing bit of talk from so many years ago because he's just mentioned he needs some shirts. some v-necks. i laugh. he responds:

"i used to think a lot of things i don't think anymore."

and he continues, brilliantly, for minutes and i revel in the simplicity and eloquence of this little construction, this little poem he is pulling out of nothing but a tiny swatch of an otherwise not particularly memorable conversation from nearly a decade ago.

i used to think that, but now i know this. i learn how a jonny now feels about blondes, piercings, v-necks, image, so on so forth and this and that and i wouldn't have minded a lick if he went on forever but then he says, "now you."

and i struggle. but like a good friend does he pushes me toward it and after some misfires and i cannot believe the pressure i feel to confess to this person who already knows everything and that includes how i've changed i manage to realize this:

i used to think i was smarter than everyone around me.
i used to hold complete strangers in utter disdain for all of my assumptions about intelligence and value, but now i know i know so little.
the people by whom i am surrounded constantly are so uniquely talented and brilliant in ways i could never be.
and beyond them, strangers, friends i've yet to meet, intelligences and textures of knowing i've yet to brush up against, so many nuances and details and original thoughts in between and they are so much fucking bigger than i could ever amount to on my own and i want to learn them and love them and god willing i continue maybe to evolve.
and i think by now, i've maybe learned at least some measure of humility.

a jonny says, yes. good. remember that. write that down.

so i will.

and he still hates clogs.


Emily Dendinger said...

Maybe this made me cry a little. Thank you so so much.

Lindsay Mazzocco said...

i'll let my eyes mist too, under the of-course that i'd have a blue text bit if only i were a blogist.

kristin said...

you'll always have some blue text bits in my heart of hearts, love. you teach me how to laugh on the every day.